Yesterday morning I had occasion to drive my 13 year old granddaughter Jordan aka JoJo to school.
First, we picked up her best friends, India and Jared. In my car I had two long legged girls in black shirts that read "My Chemical Romance" one shorter boy in a black shirt with a skull, 1 huge black backpack, two black "messenger bags" that read "My Chemical Romance" my purse, two violins, one viola and a whole lot of young energy, none of it mine. Still young ones are a joy to be with and I was enjoying myself.
"Dude," Jared addressed me from the back seat, "how you doing?"
"Uhhh... just fine dude. How 'bout you?"
"Ah, you know."
The girls fell into giggle heaps which is not all that easy with a violin case on your lap.
"Listen India" I said, "I need you to do me a favor."
"Sure dude."
(You are addressed as "dude" regardless of your gender, dude. Got it?)
"I want JoJo to go to LVA ( Las Vegas Academy of Performing Arts, one of the best high schools in the country) and she says she doesn't want to go unless you go too. So tell me you are going to audition!"
"Dude I don't know! I think we're moving to Colorado!"
"WHAT?" JoJo and I asked together.
"Or Puerto Rico or the Bronx," Jared said.
"WHAT?" By now JoJo was bent over her violin case moaning "Issues, I'm having issues…"
"Don't worry JoJo," India said, "Our parents haven't decided anything yet. I don't think it will be for another year and we can so totally visit each other after we move."
"Oh issues…" JoJo moaned.
"Dude," I said, "why are you moving?"
"There's just nothing for kids to do in this town…" said Jared. "It's not like it was 'back in the day' you know. Now it's all about who you date and what drugs you take and we aren't real happy with that, you know?"
Suddenly, several things were going on with me at once. I was feeling sad for JoJo who might be losing her two best friends, sad for India and Jared who didn't particularly like living here, very pleased with what Jared had said about "dating and drugs" but real confused about what an 11 year old boy considered "back in the day." But, the adolescent is a skittish critter and must be approached gently. If he thinks you are laughing at him he either clams up or delivers swift and nasty retribution.
"So Jared, I think I missed the meaning of 'back in the day,'" I said carefully, willing to withdraw my statement if need be.
"You know, 2006, 2007. Things were like totally different then."
"Yeah I know," I said, smoothly. "So I am sure things will work out best for all of us."
"Yeah, we probably won't move for a year or so. India and JoJo can go to LVA together for about a year if they get past the audition."
"Get past the audition?" JoJo yelled.
"You so totally wish you were as smart as we are!" Issues seemed to be over for the moment.
"Dude, you doubt we can get into LVA?" India squealed.
"I don't doubt it," I said as they piled out of the car with violins, violas, back pack and messenger bags that read "My Chemical Romance" and joined 1500 other young people wearing black shirts, carrying instruments and back packs. "I don't doubt it at all."
I waited till I was well around the corner to laugh.
Monday, October 20, 2008
on the down side of morning
on the down side of morning
when life has not yet become real
I am quietly deformed
by the set of your jaw
words not said
I am left fearfully alone
unreal
as the morning
I thought I was a woman once
or did I but dream hands that measured me for warmth
did I really know a soft cupping of breast
night breaths playing
on a hungry shoulder
bodies front to back
rocking
in primal recall
no
I am a place to stream anger
frustration
a place to rub emotions
not a woman
but a place
I am a quiet deformity that afflicts you
on the down side of morning
when life has not yet become real
when life has not yet become real
I am quietly deformed
by the set of your jaw
words not said
I am left fearfully alone
unreal
as the morning
I thought I was a woman once
or did I but dream hands that measured me for warmth
did I really know a soft cupping of breast
night breaths playing
on a hungry shoulder
bodies front to back
rocking
in primal recall
no
I am a place to stream anger
frustration
a place to rub emotions
not a woman
but a place
I am a quiet deformity that afflicts you
on the down side of morning
when life has not yet become real
the long goodbye
They walked into our support group 10 years ago and I knew right away they were going to become an important part of my life. Ann was a red head with a wonderful laugh. Her mother, Beulah, was tiny… she came just past my waist; her eyes sparkled with life and her laugh was soft and chiming. Beulah was 80 years old and her husband, Ted was demented.
Ann was Beulah's only child and she and her husband, Bill, helped care for Ted. Still, Beulah spent the majority of her time alone with him.
Over the years Beulah and Ann shared stories of Ted and his confusion. We laughed when he removed antennas from cars parked in front of his house and when he decided everything in the yard next door belonged to him and he needed it back! We talked about the best way to help him and what meds he should or should not be taking and what "stage" he was in…. impossible to say really. Beulah took the reins and made decisions she never thought she would have to make in her life… Ted had always been the "head of the household" and I watched as this tiny woman came into her own. She was awesome!
I grew to love Beulah and her indomitable spirit and Ann became one of my dearest YaYas. Beulah referred to our visits as her "Kate fix" and I loved hugging my tiny friend and kissing her soft cheek. I admired the mother-daughter relationship she and Ann shared. They were clearly best friends.
Inevitably we talked about hospice care for Ted.
Ted died in 1997 and we all grieved for Beulah but she seemed to do well with the loss of her love.
It was not long before all of us began to notice, Beulah was growing a little vague. It caught us by surprise. In retrospect we could see that perhaps she had held herself together until Ted died, then she relaxed and we could see…she too was demented.
Ann was devastated! Daily, she was losing her best friend to a vicious disease. Before long Beulah could no longer live alone. She did not remember to eat or take her medication and she allowed people she did not know into her home. Bill and Ann made room for her in their home and cared for her there. We began our long goodbye to my sweet little friend.
The support group surrounded Ann with love and she, Rhonda (my other YaYa) and I met frequently for lunch and other outings. Beulah became more demented. When I saw her she remembered she loved me yet could not remember exactly who I was. No matter. I loved her all the more and delighted in kissing her, holding her tiny hands and talking to her.
About a year ago Bill and Ann moved to Alabama and of course, Beulah went with them. I saw Beulah just before they left. I dropped in for a quick visit amidst packed boxes and bags. She was getting a manicure and I think the fact that she did not know who I was upset more than pleased her. Still I needed to kiss her one more time.
After the move, Ann and I spoke by phone and she kept me current on Beulah's condition. Always I could hear the heartbreak in her voice. "Mom loves it here. She sits on the porch and talks about how beautiful it is but she has no idea where she is. She asks for me and Bill when we are right here and when family comes to call she does not know them."
Last week Ann and Bill came to town and I had dinner with them. It was good to see Ann, but I was surprised at how small and tired she seemed. Bill was his usual jovial self, teasing me and the waitresses… making us all laugh, yet you could tell there was sadness under his good spirits. We ate, we talked and laughed and they told me all about Beulah. After the strawberry shortcake we hugged, spoke of our love for each other and said goodbye. I did not let them see me cry as I left for my car.
Ann and Bill had come to town to bring Beulah back to the side of her husband Ted. She was 90 years old. On my desk there is a picture Ann gave me a years ago of her and Beulah and it reads, "A friend is the hope of the heart."
Rest well my sweet friend.
The long goodbye is over…
Ann was Beulah's only child and she and her husband, Bill, helped care for Ted. Still, Beulah spent the majority of her time alone with him.
Over the years Beulah and Ann shared stories of Ted and his confusion. We laughed when he removed antennas from cars parked in front of his house and when he decided everything in the yard next door belonged to him and he needed it back! We talked about the best way to help him and what meds he should or should not be taking and what "stage" he was in…. impossible to say really. Beulah took the reins and made decisions she never thought she would have to make in her life… Ted had always been the "head of the household" and I watched as this tiny woman came into her own. She was awesome!
I grew to love Beulah and her indomitable spirit and Ann became one of my dearest YaYas. Beulah referred to our visits as her "Kate fix" and I loved hugging my tiny friend and kissing her soft cheek. I admired the mother-daughter relationship she and Ann shared. They were clearly best friends.
Inevitably we talked about hospice care for Ted.
Ted died in 1997 and we all grieved for Beulah but she seemed to do well with the loss of her love.
It was not long before all of us began to notice, Beulah was growing a little vague. It caught us by surprise. In retrospect we could see that perhaps she had held herself together until Ted died, then she relaxed and we could see…she too was demented.
Ann was devastated! Daily, she was losing her best friend to a vicious disease. Before long Beulah could no longer live alone. She did not remember to eat or take her medication and she allowed people she did not know into her home. Bill and Ann made room for her in their home and cared for her there. We began our long goodbye to my sweet little friend.
The support group surrounded Ann with love and she, Rhonda (my other YaYa) and I met frequently for lunch and other outings. Beulah became more demented. When I saw her she remembered she loved me yet could not remember exactly who I was. No matter. I loved her all the more and delighted in kissing her, holding her tiny hands and talking to her.
About a year ago Bill and Ann moved to Alabama and of course, Beulah went with them. I saw Beulah just before they left. I dropped in for a quick visit amidst packed boxes and bags. She was getting a manicure and I think the fact that she did not know who I was upset more than pleased her. Still I needed to kiss her one more time.
After the move, Ann and I spoke by phone and she kept me current on Beulah's condition. Always I could hear the heartbreak in her voice. "Mom loves it here. She sits on the porch and talks about how beautiful it is but she has no idea where she is. She asks for me and Bill when we are right here and when family comes to call she does not know them."
Last week Ann and Bill came to town and I had dinner with them. It was good to see Ann, but I was surprised at how small and tired she seemed. Bill was his usual jovial self, teasing me and the waitresses… making us all laugh, yet you could tell there was sadness under his good spirits. We ate, we talked and laughed and they told me all about Beulah. After the strawberry shortcake we hugged, spoke of our love for each other and said goodbye. I did not let them see me cry as I left for my car.
Ann and Bill had come to town to bring Beulah back to the side of her husband Ted. She was 90 years old. On my desk there is a picture Ann gave me a years ago of her and Beulah and it reads, "A friend is the hope of the heart."
Rest well my sweet friend.
The long goodbye is over…
tin stars and silver moon
evening last
as day slipped over the edge
of my restless garden
something called to me
from the wind
the tin stars of summer were gone before they arrived
remember?
the sun yet lingers on your shoulders
soon to fade
not even the silver moon is yours to keep
pain does not last forever
it seeps into your skin
becomes a quiet part of your heart
finally accepts you
as lifelong host
and glows only
when tin stars and silver moon
require it
listen
hear the wind
another season walked in
while you were looking
elsewhere
as day slipped over the edge
of my restless garden
something called to me
from the wind
the tin stars of summer were gone before they arrived
remember?
the sun yet lingers on your shoulders
soon to fade
not even the silver moon is yours to keep
pain does not last forever
it seeps into your skin
becomes a quiet part of your heart
finally accepts you
as lifelong host
and glows only
when tin stars and silver moon
require it
listen
hear the wind
another season walked in
while you were looking
elsewhere
homeless
I spread my sleeping bag in the doorway of that empty building on Bonanza and D
a young woman I'd seen in the food line
squeezed into the corner next to me
she had no jacket
no blanket
she was cold
I told her to get into my sleeping bag and warm herself
while I went to look for a cup of coffee
next night as I spread my sleeping bag
she was back
here I am
homeless
with a roommate
a young woman I'd seen in the food line
squeezed into the corner next to me
she had no jacket
no blanket
she was cold
I told her to get into my sleeping bag and warm herself
while I went to look for a cup of coffee
next night as I spread my sleeping bag
she was back
here I am
homeless
with a roommate
my birthday call... 10/11/08
I knew when the phone rang this morning it was my son Hooch and his bevy of beauties calling to wish me Happy Birthday.
Little Mary was first.
"Happy Birthday Nana."
Of course it's a Nana's job to be a little surprised. "Why Little Mary, thank you so much! How are you?"
"I'm a little bit sick."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What's wrong?"
"Ursula screams too much and it makes me sick." I did not laugh. A squealing baby can make a big sister feel a bit queasy.
"I got a wagon as my gift for your birthday Nana."
"Will you let me ride in it when I come there?"
"Of course and I'm going to take you to Chik-Fil-A too." This child KNOWS the way to her Nana's heart.
"What are you doing for your birthday Nana?"
She knows about going to lunch but try explaining a Renaissance Festival to a 3 ½ year old. She understood dancing ladies though. Little Mary loves to dance and wants to be Shirley Temple when she "grows up."
I spoke to the rest of the girls (there are 4 of them) and Jill, my daughter in law, then the family sang "Happy Birthday to You" three times… each time louder and faster.
After the traditional reciting of "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere" we played a rousing game of "Older or Younger Than John McCain." You know that game, don't you?
San Francisco Bridge? Older, but just barely. Boulder Dam? Younger. The Great Wall of China? Hmmmm… I need to think about that one.
I am having a wonderful birthday. Thank you all for the wonderful gifts, cards and wishes.
Little Mary was first.
"Happy Birthday Nana."
Of course it's a Nana's job to be a little surprised. "Why Little Mary, thank you so much! How are you?"
"I'm a little bit sick."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What's wrong?"
"Ursula screams too much and it makes me sick." I did not laugh. A squealing baby can make a big sister feel a bit queasy.
"I got a wagon as my gift for your birthday Nana."
"Will you let me ride in it when I come there?"
"Of course and I'm going to take you to Chik-Fil-A too." This child KNOWS the way to her Nana's heart.
"What are you doing for your birthday Nana?"
She knows about going to lunch but try explaining a Renaissance Festival to a 3 ½ year old. She understood dancing ladies though. Little Mary loves to dance and wants to be Shirley Temple when she "grows up."
I spoke to the rest of the girls (there are 4 of them) and Jill, my daughter in law, then the family sang "Happy Birthday to You" three times… each time louder and faster.
After the traditional reciting of "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere" we played a rousing game of "Older or Younger Than John McCain." You know that game, don't you?
San Francisco Bridge? Older, but just barely. Boulder Dam? Younger. The Great Wall of China? Hmmmm… I need to think about that one.
I am having a wonderful birthday. Thank you all for the wonderful gifts, cards and wishes.
the third stage
now begins the third stage
embodiment of the goddess
in dull patina
wisdom
they tell me
whet on sharp days and rock hard nights
spun on the web of baby hair
moistened with the sweat of thousands
brutal tears of more
burnished with ashes
maturity
haunted with the sage sweet breath of young lovers
slow rivers winding deep
strong arms holding stars apart
then loosing lessons to win
now I am a rock
settled in the river
rills pass by
loosing small pieces
the sear, the yellow leaf
into the future
I am an empty bowl
the crone
embodiment of the goddess
in dull patina
wisdom
they tell me
whet on sharp days and rock hard nights
spun on the web of baby hair
moistened with the sweat of thousands
brutal tears of more
burnished with ashes
maturity
haunted with the sage sweet breath of young lovers
slow rivers winding deep
strong arms holding stars apart
then loosing lessons to win
now I am a rock
settled in the river
rills pass by
loosing small pieces
the sear, the yellow leaf
into the future
I am an empty bowl
the crone
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